Groundhog’s Day For A Piece Of Straw

The straw that broke the camel’s back
Was auctioned off on Ebay
And bought by an amnesiac
Who liked collecting hay.
If possession is nine-tenths of the law
All I need to do now
Is buy the final straw
And then he was sectioned
And taken away.

The Ever Triumphant Mother Theresa

When Mother Theresa
Saw the Leaning Tower Of Pisa
She Knew that Julius Caesar
Would renew her visa.
Eating curried pizza
At a bar called Mitzvah
With ex-scrooge Ebenezer
And the Mona Lisa
All three did concur
That nothing defeats 
Or beats her.

Emma Watson Receives A Proposition From An Omega Male

Dear Emma Watson -
Shall we make love
The object of 
Our spiritual quest
Surely an altogether
Better option
Than pairing you off
In a commentary box
With one John Motson
Discussing twenty two
Pairs of socks
Chasing a piece of leather?
If spiritual questing 
Is not for you
I will make do
With tightly tied pairs of shoes
Existential emus,
Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes.
Whilst hoping you find
Your Sherlock Holmes,
Miss Watson
I will content myself with
Cataloguing my collection of
Black and white combs.
I also have plots on
Which I need to work -
Wednesday Addams’s love of
Moon dried tomatoes
Or Erica Roe
Somewhere in Portugal
Growing sweet potatoes
For sale.
Don’t let anyone tell you
There ain’t no perks
To being an Omega Male.

The Raven And The Raven

Said The Raven 

To The Raven
Which Raven are you?
I said The Raven 
Am The Raven
Of Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
And I said The Raven 
Am The Raven
Of Edgar Allan Poe.
Apparently there’s a rave on -
Shall we go?
Yes – let us go then you and I
As the evening is spread out
Against the sky.
But not like a patient
Etherised upon a table.
Let us like Thunderbirds
Not gentle go into this dark night.
So dressed in sable
White gloves
And whistles
They went on their way -
Not looking forward
To conversations about 
Michelangelo at all.
For as we all know
Old age should rave and burn
At close of day.
And not just fizzle out.
More big shout…………………………………….
And rave until you fall.


Christina Hendricks’s First Attempt At Noosperisms

Histina Chrendricks
Retices Milericks 
But none of them
Are pereatable in buplic
Till trime tavel
becomes moccercially alaivable.
Can’t wait for the piobic
Or even just a Touyube plic.  

Bathsheba’s Psychiatrists

Years later
Bathsheba’s psychiatrist
Was analysing the tryst
Between King David
And her.
It was no tryst
Said she.
What a slur.
He was a voyeur
And an opportunist.
An amoeba would concur
Said the psychiatrist
That a shower screen
And being more demure
Would have been
Quite spiritually enterprising.
You cannot expect
Kind David to desist
From objectifying your femurs
And a cracking pair of amethysts.
Don’t treat me
Like some calculating
Hormone Exchange Unit
You sexist misogynist.
You are not fit
To analyse me.
You say your name’s Freud
But you’re wholly devoid
Of any insight
Of what is amiss
Or my troubles might be.
Not one piece of grit
Have you put in my oyster.
You obsequious churl
I’m a girl you don’t mess with.
I could have you hung.
But instead she dismissed him
and booked an appointment
With a certain professor
Who went by the name of
Carl Gustav Jung.